Week Eighteen: #34 – Star Wars II

The Nitpicker’s Guide to the movies

“See the films you love in a whole new way!”

 

It’s the digital age!  We can make explosions, spaceships, entire planets that don’t slightly exist!  It’s absolutely incredible!  By the way, we spent the whole budget on the effects computers, about a thousand of them, that there wasn’t any left to hire a writer—but who cares if the script is terrible?  Digital explosions!!!

 

-0:05:40           Yoda, to Senator Amidala: “Seeing you alive brings warm feelings to my heart.”  Is he just being polite?  The Jedi know no emotions, only peace

-0:12:57           R2 is supposedly on watchdog duty.  Yet there is no reaction from the droid as a bright green light lasers the outside window apart, and nasty centipedes loudly drop to the floor…is the droid sleeping?  (Do androids dream of electric sheep?)

-0:14:24           And, oh yeah, the window.  This is the top floor of a hundred-some story building.  Why is there glass in this window, instead of Star Wars Universe brand transparisteel?

-0:19:27           Well, old Annie must be using the Force to help him—he jumps over the side of the speeder and falls about a thousand feet before catching the assassin.  By that time he’s probably at terminal velocity, yet he catches the speeder without breaking any bones.  Apparently he was using the Force to cushion his fall…

-0:20:10           Then the assassin gives Annie thirty seconds uninterrupted free-time to climb back onto the ship.  She doesn’t try to brush him off, shoot at him again, roll the ship and let inertia help dislodge him…nothing

-0:20:49           The way Annie falls off the assassin’s ship and the way he lands are inconsistent.  Plus he falls off a ship doing at least fifty miles an hour, yet he only rolls for about three feet?

-0:25:08           Yeah, Yoda’s definitely losing it.  Obi-Wan is sent to track down the bounty hunter, so who will watch over Amidala?  “Handle that, your padawan will.”  Sure, have the hormone-crazed teenage boy watch over the woman he’s thought about every day for ten years.  Even if Yoda can’t sense the kid’s emotions, can’t he at least read his body language?

-0:27:44           They make Jar-Jar the representative for Naboo?  Jar-Jar the mentally challenged?  Oy

-0:29:07           Maybe I don’t understand females.  (Okay, there’s no maybe about it.  Anyway)  Anakin stands in Amidala’s room whining about how Kenobi won’t listen to him, how the counsel doesn’t understand…why does Amidala fall for this petulant child?  Emotionally, he’s still nine years old!

-0:30:48           I honestly have never thought about this before.  Obi-Wan: “Anakin?  May the Force be with you.”  Anakin: “May the Force be with you, master.”  Why do they say this?  Is it possible for a Jedi not to have the Force with him?  I don’t tell my friends “Hey, keep breathing.”  It’s a given that they will.  I dunno, just never considered how silly that iconic saying really is…

-0:31:41           It’s a long time ago, and far, far away—and yet the 50’s diner looks exactly like a 50’s diner, buzzing neon sign in the window and all!  Okay, the server is a droid and it’s an alien wearing the stained cook’s apron, but still…it’s a freaking 50’s diner!

-0:34:34           Snooty librarian: “If an item does not appear in our records, it does not exist.”  Is that any sort of attitude for a gatherer of knowledge to have?  If we can’t find it nobody can?  Seems very closed minded

-0:36:15           A group of young children wave around little lightsabers, their faces covered with helmets, so they can’t see.  Does anybody else have a problem with this?  Giving a bunch of kids lightsabers?  Then blinding them? 

-0:38:15           “Only a Jedi could have erased those files.”  Yoda couldn’t be wrong, therefore only Jedi are used to do archiving.  Because if any regular human was involved, that regular human could have done the erasing.  So the all-powerful, all-important Jedi have some in the ranks who just do data-entry?  What a waste of the Force…

-0:41:10           Interesting how the ship’s design is older, more art-deco looking than the X-wings we know from the classic movies—yet the digital information readouts are much more advanced!  Apparently at some point in the near future they do away with such elegant design, preferring instead Commodore-64 type graphics?

-0:41:34           I suppose this isn’t a nit.  Kenobi lands on the heavily rain-soaked platform, and opens the canopy to get out.  Which allows roughly a gallon of rainwater to pour inside.  This is a starship.  Wouldn’t that be a bad thing, rain on the electronics?

-0:41:44           It’s subtle, but Kenobi’s position changes here as the shot changes

-0:44:19           This also may not be a nit.  As previously stated, I just don’t understand females sometimes.  (Often)  Amidala has said that Anakin must not look at her in that smoldering way of his, that it makes her uncomfortable.  We’ve established that Jedi are not allowed to love.  Yet here she is in a very clingy, alluring outfit, one that exposes her shoulders and all of her back.  Does she not know how this outfit is going to act upon Anakin’s hormones?  Is she that stupid—or does she desire to manipulate him?  Either way, that outfit is not okay.  But I’m sure she’ll come to her senses and we’ll see no more of this kind of behavior…

-0:50:10           Once again I spoke too soon.  Happily playing in the meadow, the Jedi padawan and the Naboo Senator are here found rolling in the grass as if they were seven.  If he must not be in love with her, what in the world is she doing?  We’ve already seen that Anakin has no emotional maturity, but what’s the Senator’s excuse?  I suppose she’s just getting it out of her system—we’ll be fine from here on out…

-0:50:50           No wonder Boba Fett grows up to be so screwy.  He’s living on a planet completely inhabited by weird tall aliens, his own father, and eight skillion clones of his father in different stages of development.  Hardly a normal childhood…

-0:53:52           For someone who doesn’t want to be fallen in love with, Amidala is sure wearing a very revealing gown.  She’s almost topless.  What is the deal?  “We can’t,” she says to his advances.  “We can’t.  It’s just not possible.  We’re living in a real world.  Come back to it.”  And yet she’s wearing that. 

-0:57:47           Windu and Yoda sit in a council room, alone, watching Kenobi in the rain via hologram.  Were they sitting there playing Mahjongg or something, waiting for him?  Or did they have to be fetched?  If so—why didn’t Kenobi have enough sense to get in out of the rain, and send his transmission where he couldn’t be overhead or rained on?  And how is he hearing what Windu and Yoda are saying back to him, over the rain?  Is he seeing little Windu and Yoda holograms?  This method of communication looks cool but makes very little sense

-0:59:25           Okay, by now it’s ridiculous.  Miss “Don’t Touch Me, Don’t Kiss Me, We Must Live Separate Lives” comes out in the morning in another clinging, almost sheer gown.  I know she’s not that stupid, and I can’t imagine she would be that cruel, so it just makes no sense at all!  In fact the whole love story between these two is stupid!  So I officially give it the Will Award!  My exclamation key is stuck!!!!!!!!!

-1:00:58           Jango Fett fires three shots at off-screen Kenobi.  There’s no sound of lightsaber deflection.  Is Fett that bad of a shot, that he just missed with the first three?

-1:01:00           Big continuity error here.  One shot Kenobi is swinging his saber, it’s pointed at the ground, then the shot changes and it’s still in front of him.

-1:01:55           Obi-Wan is dragged along the ground by a very thin wire…yet doesn’t lose a finger, doesn’t even get cut!  Not even when he braces himself against the tower, to bring Jango down out of the sky!  Amazing!  He shouldn’t have any fingers left!

-1:02:29           Or now, as he hangs by his full weight from the same cable—no problem!

-1:07:15           I know I harp on this a lot, and the sound is very cool—but an explosion in space wouldn’t have any sound.  No sound in a vacuum.  Ever.  Even a long time ago, far, far away.

-1:11:43           What are the odds—Threepio, which little Annie inexplicably build when he was nine, is still around!  Is serving at the Lars place!  Sheesh.  I’m surprised they didn’t work in a tiny Han Solo around here somewhere…

-1:14:50           Even the first time I saw this movie I laughed right here.  Anakin is blazing along on a hovercycle, doing probably seventy, eighty miles per hour.  No helmet visor, no goggles…I may not know from lightsabers, but I do ride a motorcycle.  Believe me, over about thirty miles an hour without eye protection and you can’t see anything, even if you’re not on the extremely dusty, wind-whipped, desert planet of Tatooine

…There were tons more, we’re only halfway through the movie, but that’s all space will allow me today.  If you want the full version, keep coming back and watch for exciting news soon to come!  In the meantime, you can always go to www.slipups.com if you just can’t wait until next week—where we exchange spaceships for pirate ships, and lightsabers for cutlasses!  Pirates of the Caribbean, right here, right then!

See you in seven…

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