Week Twelve: #40 – The Lost World, Jurassic Park

The Nitpicker Guide to the Movies
“See the films you love in a whole new way!”
Sequels are rarely better than the original, and this is no exception.  However, the sight of a cherry red muscle car being chased by a Tyrannosaurus Rex?  Priceless…
-0:00:20 Again with the Universal logo–not a cloud in the sky…
-0:24:40            Malcolm holds up Sarah’s pack, asked if she’s been attacked.  (Pack is grungy and full of holes.)  She responds that her lucky pack always looks like that–this is a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.  Malcolm doesn’t already know her pack looks like that?  It’s her favorite thing in the world!
-0:26:45 Nick the photographer really needs some ADHD medicine.  One shot he’s framing a shot with his little videocamera.  Fifteen seconds later he’s got his 35mm out.  Ten seconds later it’s the videocamera again.  Sure, there’s enough time for him to go back and forth while we’re away–but hardly enough time to get any decent footage/pictures!  Pick a camera, already!
-0:29:40            Enormous big surprise–Malcolm’s daughter stowed away somehow in the equipment and is now on the island with them.  Barring the implausibility that she could hide so well that nobody knew she was around for the two or three days it took to get here, how bad a father is Malcolm?  Hasn’t checked in on his daughter once, in several days, to be aware that she’s missing?
-0:41:50 Roland says Rexy’s parents won’t leave him alone for long.  Yet Momma and Daddy leave him alone long enough for Roland and friend to tranquilize him, tie him up and drag his fat baby dino butt off to another location?  Is big momma off eating a Starbucks, or something?
-0:45:35            Suddenly the meeting is broken up by an irate Triceratops.  He comes into the tent with no warning–a good trick, for a thirteen ton dinosaur.  Was he on tiptoe?
-0:54:35 Even the dinosaurs aren’t immune to continuity error.  The Rex on Sarah’s side of the trailer roars pretty much straight on–shot changes and he’s roaring to one side, in line with the window, so Sarah’s face is framed between his jaws–shot changes again and it’s straight on again
-1:03:25 The rope that three people are hanging on comes loose, and they all fall to the bottom of the trailer, rope included.  Somehow, though, the rope doesn’t fall right through and out to sea, it just…stops falling when they let go.  Anti-gravity rope?  Eddie grabs the upper end here to do a better job tying off…
-1:04:38 For some reason Sarah starts sliding down the rope—she hits Malcolm and Nick on the way down, and they all start sliding.  Nobody lets go, and nobody falls off, despite the severe rope burn they must all be dealing with.  What serious adventurers!  (And does anybody else feel like they padded this sequence to make the movie longer?)
-1:05:33 I’ll admit I’m not a car designer, but the T-Rex pulls the driver’s seat up by the roots—and the airbag deploys.  Does that seem right?
-1:06:02 These guys sure are hard on equipment—the double-trailer falls over the cliff, past our heroes, followed eventually by the Jeep.  The Jeep that was connected by about twenty feet of cable which has now magically extended to about seventy feet
-1:12:02 Sarah can’t be much of an animal person.  She’s supposed to be all smart, but she’s wearing a jacket covered in T-Rex blood and she doesn’t realize that’s a danger?  It’s not like it’s dried, it smears all over one of the leaves she passes.  Can she not smell the stuff?  I’m pretty sure I can, and I’m just watching a movie…
-1:12:38 I find it very hard to believe that anything could get Roland to turn away from his gun.  Hunting is this guy’s life, and his weapon is his lifeline.  No way does he ever take his eyes off it, much less walk away from it!
-1:21:42 Now Sarah frantically shoves candy bar wrappers into a Ziploc bag.  Since the animals they’re dealing with are, like, a hundred times worse than bears, wouldn’t it be prudent to take at least bear-like precautions?  Like not leaving food out, or traveling for miles with a blood-soaked jacket?  Then she shoves the Ziploc bag under the edge of her sleeping bag…cause that will keep the T-Rex from smelling anything
-1:23:59 The T-Rex can supposedly run about three times as fast as a human.  How nice of Rexy to sorta trudge behind the fleeing people, roaring at them, without trodding on anyone or picking up any bite-sized, bipedal morsels
-1:25:15 Every movie waterfall has a cave behind it.  Every one.  I’ve never found a waterfall-cave in my life, is all I’m saying
-1:28:18 Why don’t our heroes get attacked by the v-raps?  (That’s my new slang for velociraptors, because it’s a hard word to type)  They get to the other side of the long grass unscathed.  The v-raps not hungry anymore?
-1:32:45 Lucky for Sarah the animal attacks her pack, and not her, huh?  Too bad everybody else attacked by the v-raps didn’t have the same luck
-1:33:47 Either the effects guys just wanted to break as much glass as possible, or the v-rap chasing Malcolm is loopy.  There is no logical reason for the animal to break out of the building through a pane of glass—when the hole he already made breaking into the building is still there
-1:33:54            Between looking at the v-rap from the inside of the truck to the POV shot from the outside, the hole in the glass goes from pin-sized to rock-sized
-1:36:03 The coveted and long-awaited Will Award!  How incredibly amazing that the InGen shack’s support beams, or bars, or whatever, are exactly the right height and spacing for Kelly to perform her gymnastics parallel bars routine!  It’s not cheesy or ridiculous at all!  Nor implausible!
-1:43:00 We see a radar screen showing the ship heading for the SAN DIEGO dock—and not slowing down.  At the rate it’s moving, it should hit in roughly thirty seconds.  But…it actually takes over seventy seconds to do so.  (However, the shot of the ship appearing suddenly out of the gloom is truly fantastic!)
-1:44:22 The ship went out of control because there was nobody on the bridge left alive to slow ‘er down.  So…the big ‘ol T-Rex somehow squeezed onto the bridge, and ate everybody?  Really?
-1:55:15            Malcolm and Sarah are now on foot, running from the T-Rex with it’s kid in their arms.  Two steps and he can catch them, and yet somehow the Rex doesn’t squash or chomp either of them
-1:55:36 Well, the Rex was in hot pursuit—he stop off to eat some more neighborhood dogs?  Malcolm and Sarah run past the InGen weenie, baby in arms, and the Rex has disappeared
-1:57:21 Now we see Rexy coming over the lip of the cargo bay, will InGen weenie plays fetch with the Rex child.  Where has Big Daddy been for the past two minutes?
-2:01:26 See, the T-Rexes aren’t so bad.  The whole family is back on the island, within spitting distance of a herd of stegosauri, and nobody’s bothering anybody.  They all play nice together.  Pterodactyl lands nearby, he’s not afraid—everybody’s just happy together!  Cue end music!
From really really big animals to really really small ones, come back in seven for my take on–eww–Ratatouille!  Rats and food!  What fun!
Www.slipups.com if you just can’t get enough nitpicking–see you in seven…

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