Week Eight: #44 – Men In Black
November 20, 2008 by movienitpickerWeek Seven: #45 – I Am Legend
November 13, 2008 by movienitpickerThe Nitpicker Guide to the Movies
“See the films you love in a whole new way!”
To make the top 50, a movie doesn’t even have to be unique and incredible. (Shrek 3 was neither.) It does have to be something that people want to see over and over again–which drives up the box office gross. Here’s my question: why did people want to see this one over and over? Yes, Smith does an incredible job portraying a man who has been completely without human contact for three years…but I felt bad for him, not intrigued. Plus the constant fear of Infected leaping out of the darkness wouldn’t allow me to really get into the movie, not on first viewing, and not during my review. Maybe I just can’t handle creepy movies. (Thank goodness The Dark Knight didn’t creep me out!)
Anyway…
-0:03:20 Robert’s fancy Mustang is so new the sticker is still in the window. With wild animals running around New York, I would imagine wanting as wide a field of view as I could get. (And did he just boost this car today? It looks absolutely brand new–I would think after three years, the daily new car novelty would have worn off)
-0:04:03 The deer (elk, antelope, whatever) runs in front of Robert’s car and he spins the wheel–cut to an outside shot, and a second later the car starts turning. Better get that steering checked! Oh, wait, he’s the only human left alive in Manhattan. My bad
-0:04:17 Where are deer coming from? I’ll buy that the lions are escaped from the zoo. (Though is it really possible for animals to just escape, when there’s nobody around watching them? Or did Robert let ‘em all out?) But this is the island of Manhattan–these deer swim over from Jersey?
-0:09:05 I understand why the filmmakers would show Robert cruising the city without any music–to emphasize just how alone he is. But considering how alone he is, if it were me, I would have music playing constantly. Anything with the sound of a human voice.
-0:11:54 When did Robert have the metal doors on every entrance put in? After everybody died? How did he accomplish that all by himself, and how did the Infected not break in before he got these doors put in place?
-0:17:10 The close-up shows a rat cracking the glass on his cage, but the wide shot show no cracks in any cage. In fact, the wide shot makes it look as if the cages are plastic, which would make a heck of a lot more sense. (Glass breaks, and Infected rats are apparently quite capable of breaking it.)
-0:17:11 Doc’s getting sloppy. He lists off the rats that are still Infected, mentioning “eight, nine, ten, eleven…” Right in front of us are cages 2-5 and 8-11. The rat in cage 9 looks dead. He’s not moving. Yet Robert doesn’t list that rat as dead, but rather Infected. The shot at 0:17:23 still has that rat unmoving.
-0:19:32 As Robert talks to the mannequins he unlocks the video store. He unlocks the video store. Why does he keep it locked? The roaming Infected maybe planning a video slumber party?
-0:25:40 After three years Robert had better be as much of a warrior as he possibly can. There are beings lurking in the darkness who would rip him apart if they got a chance, not to mention loose lions. So when Sam perks up, it surprises me that Robert doesn’t notice for about three seconds.
-0:31:27 Robert breaks through the second story window, Infected on his neck, and it takes him three seconds to hit the ground. Which puts the window roughly eight stories up.
-0:33:42 When Robert smashes the vial of blood, there’s sunlight on the scene enough that we see him do it. Once he steps out to wait, suddenly it’s totally black inside the doorway.
-0:36:09 As Dr. Robert treats the captured Infected, she leaps at him–then the shot changes and she leaps at him again. Then the shot changes and she leaps at him a third time.
-0:38:00 “Blood tests confirm I remain immune to both the airborne and contact strains (of the virus.) Canine remains immune to airborne strain only.” That only bugs me. Yes, Sam is still alive, therefore still immune to airborne strain. But did she get a good contact which Robert cured when we weren’t looking? If not, then Sam has only proven immune to airborne–and contact remains unknown.
-0:46:04 Am I missing something? Did the Infected set this trap? Last night? Figuring Robert would see the mannequin and come arunning? That just leaves one question: how did the Infected figure out how to do this? Robert told us their brains don’t work right anymore! (Wait, wait–maybe the lions rigged it!)
-0:48:29 This must be magic wire. Robert trips the trap, and the taxi starts moving–and there’s no wire attached to it. (Some poor stuntman really had to hit his head on the ground for this one! Ooch!)
-0:52:00 The tiny barrier of sunlight totally stops the demon dogs? Really? They don’t just yelp through it and keep going? (How lucky for Robert)
-0:52:37 Apparently it does, because they wait until it’s absolutely gone before running for their prey.
-1:02:40 It’s time for the Will Award, and it’s also time for a huge what the hell? The filmmakers have gone to great lengths to establish that Dr. Robert is the only human being left alive. Not just in New York, but anywhere. We’ve heard his desperate radio messages, we can imagine all the fruitless Internet messaging, attempt to get a cel signal, anything! He has been alone for three years. The last man on earth.
Except that–whoops!–he’s not! Suddenly out of nowhere here are a hot gal and her adorable son! And a whole colony in Virginia! Whaaaa?!?
-1:08:07 Bit of a strain of credibility. Anna says there is a whole colony of people that didn’t get sick because the virus couldn’t stand the cold. If that’s true, across the face of the earth there should be hundreds of thousands of people who survived, simply because they live in temperatures too cold for the virus. Where have those people been for the last three years? How come Robert couldn’t find any of them?
-1:11:19 “You’re not so good with people anymore, are you?” Great, just what Robert needs. Hasn’t seen another human being in three years, this is (maybe) the only woman left on earth–and she’s snarky.
-1:26:30 The Infected break into the basement lab. How did they get through the upper door so fast? Robert locked and bolted it, and these guys don’t exactly have power tools…
-1:29:08 I suppose it makes sense that there’s a grenade in the medical supply cabinet.
-1:29:35 Sure is really incredibly lucky that the grenade’s explosion didn’t send metal fragments through the relatively thin coal chute door–killing Anna and her son! Somehow the room-clearing explosion doesn’t harm them in any way!
I think that about does it for Will Smith. How about…Will Smith? Come back for giant cockroaches and Noisy Crickets in Men In Black!
See you in seven…
Week Six: #46 – Star Wars, Return of the Jedi
November 7, 2008 by movienitpickerThe Nitpicker Guide to the Movies
“See the films you love in a whole new way!”
If you read my Week One blog (and why wouldn’t you?) you know that there are other official Nitpickers out there. One pair, who focus exclusively on the Star Wars movies, are T.A. Chafin and Polly Luttrull. Their book, The Unauthorized Nitpicker’s Guide to the SW Saga, is chock-full of bloopers and errors. They reportedly have seen the movies over 800 times. (Like I say, they need to get outside more.) So as I went into this review I kept their book handy, curious to see if I could possibly find anything they didn’t. Now their book reports dozens of continuity errors and glitches that I missed–but I’ve only watched this movie with my nitpicking hat on one time.
“Did you find anything they missed?” Ha! How about thirty-five separate continuity or production errors that didn’t make the Star Wars nitpicking book? I’m not even counting plot holes like the robots walking all the way to Jabba’s palace. I’m talking disappearing fighters, undisturbed sand, and a planet seen through Han Solo’s head!
“Why aren’t all of those here?” Because you only see about a fifth of my full review in each week’s blog. “Where are the other four-fifths going?” Good question. Stay tuned for the answer…
-0:04:08 One my fellow SW nerds missed: as the shot cuts from the Commander to Vader, suddenly the two are walking past rows of stormtroopers that weren’t there a moment ago!
-0:05:04 Is it that nice a day on Tatooine, with the desert and the double sun? Why are the robots walking all the way to Jabba’s palace? We now know Artoo has those nifty jets in his legs (oy, Lucas, hire a real writer!) but how is Threepio supposed to deal with the terrain when he can only step about five inches? (I suppose the Rebellion is on a bit of a shoestring, and nobody could rent a landspeeder)
-0:11:11 Here a droid is turned upside-down while hot brands are applied to its feet. It screams in a horrible robotic way. So…for some reason, the designers of this metal object gave it a pain module? Why is this thing screaming? It’s a robot! (Also, for some reason the designers made steam come out of the robot’s feet–in case it was ever captured and tortured, I suppose)
-0:14:42 The bounty hunter says “Yatay, yatay, yoto.” Which according to the subtitles translates to “I have come for the bounty on this Wookiee.” A minute later “Yoto, yoto” now means “I want 50,000. No less.” This language makes do with very few words!
-0:15:58 Boba Fett must be into accessorizing–and constantly changing his look. At this moment, right after the bounty hunter pulls out the thermal detonator, Fett’s all anxious, raising his gun–and his helmet antenna is on the left side. Twenty seconds ago he was flirting with a couple of Jabba hotties–and the antenna was on the right side!
-0:19:14 Han unfreezes from the carbonite and falls forward. This has made me laugh every time I’ve seen this movie since the very first time. The bounty hunter is Leia, who deeply and truly loves Han. So why does she allow her loved one to fall smack to the floor? She doesn’t even try to catch him!
-0:21:00 Long shot has Boba Fett’s antenna on the right side again. Guy can’t make up his mind…
-0:27:40 This never bothered me before, but…with all his amazing Jedi power, Luke escapes the Rancor by throwing a skull at a button. Kind of a letdown
-0:32:40 Famous one–Luke turns as he falls into the Sarlacc pit, grabbing the plank with one hand. No, wait, the shot changes and he’s holding on with both hands!
-0:48:03 “Leia. Leia is my sister!” Indeed, and that makes the passionate kiss back on Hoth kinda nasty now, doesn’t it? (Cue deep south banjo music)
-0:50:13 The Will Award: sure is inconvenient for the Imperials that the generator creating the shield around the Death Star is not located on the Death Star, but rather on the nearby moon of Endor. (Seems like putting the shield generator inside the shield would be a good move–but these are the people that left a two-meter wide vent shaft leading straight to the heart of the original Death Star, aren’t they?)
-0:56:34 The shuttle tilts down towards the planet, as we look past our heroes through the front windscreen. Strangely, the curve of the planet runs right through Solo’s head, as if his head were partially transparent. (Couldn’t believe the SW nerds missed this one!)
-0:58:33 Leia apparently picks the speeder that was already raring to go–she hasn’t touched a switch and the bike is already moving!
-0:59:48 “Keep on that one, I’ll take these two!” Luke flips on the brakes, but throws himself forward a second before the bike shoots backwards. Jumped the gun just a bit, Mark Hamill did.
-1:14:14 Earlier in the forest, Threepio says, and I quote: “It’s against my programming to impersonate a deity.” Now, when Luke tells Threepio to threaten the Ewoks with magic, the droid splutters for awhile but eventually complies. Was he lying in the forest? If it’s against his programming then it’s impossible, not just something he would prefer not to do.
-1:20:30 Leia, on being Luke’s sister: “I know. Somehow…I’ve always known.” Really? Even when you two were making out on Hoth?
-1:41:49 What’s the worst possible job in the Empire? The one they give to guys who refuse to quit boot camp, but are absolutely useless? This one right here–standing inside the tunnel where the main cannon beam is fired! What are those two doing besides absorbing a ton of radiation?
-1:53:20 Luke chops off Vader’s right hand, and Vader screams as if in pain. Whuh? There’s no blood, it looks like nothing but robotics were hurt, and if I remember stupid Star Wars III correctly, Anakin lost that whole arm long ago. So what’s with the shout of pain?
-1:58:55 These Imperials don’t know a thing about warfare, as I keep discovering. It turns out that the forward deflector shield on the Super Star Destroyer is located in a huge water-tower like device that is not protected by the field and is relatively easy to destroy! This is the same problem the Death Star has!
-2:07:28 Oh, this makes me so mad. And I’ll bet at least one other person joins me in my ire. Luke looks out into the forest, and the ghosts of Yoda and Ben Kenobi look back, joined by…wait a minute! That’s not the guy in the Darth Vader mask, that’s…Hayden Christiansen! What a slap in the face to Sebastian Shaw, who Lucas unceremoniously removed from the film! (And this raises a nit, too: Ben Kenobi’s ghost’s age is that of when he died, as is Yoda’s, wrinkles and all. So why does Anakin’s ghost get to be twenty one?)
Enough with outer space–how about checking in with the last guy on Earth? Join me for Will Smith and the creepy crawlers in I Am Legend, next week!
See you in seven…
Week Five: #47 – Iron Man
November 2, 2008 by movienitpickerThe Nitpicker Guide to the Movies
“See the films you love in a whole new way!”
All hail the Golden Age of comic book movies! (Hail!) I am a self-professed comic-book geek, and it was about doggoned time the emerging digital technology allowed some of my favorite characters the movies they deserved. I will admit that I’ve never been a huge fan of Tony Stark and the Hot-Rod Red Suit That Could…but Favreau and company put together a great little film here. Kudos to them!
I won’t get into movie-versus-original-comics too much here–I’m saving up that rant for Spider-Man…
-0:02:32 The Hummer ten feet in front of Stark’s explodes. Cut to a wide shot, and while the lead Hummer is still in front of the exploding one, Stark’s has disappeared.
-0:18:45 Pretty early on, but it’s time for the Will Award! “What is this?” “That is an electromagnet hooked up to a car battery. And it is keeping the shrapnel from entering your heart.” So the magnet is keeping enough tension on the metal fragments so that they don’t kill Stark? Wildly inventive, and ever so slightly ridiculously implausible.
-0:20:13 They’re in an Afghanistan cave. Yet the terrorist leader wants Stark to build his state-of-the-art, top-of-the-line Jericho missile. Using what, a steam engine? Some duct tape?
-0:32:28 It’s a very cool effect that the iron suit has a window right in the chest so that the miniature arc reactor’s light shines through. Very cool but absolutely ridiculous! How much extra work did it take to install that window, and what possible purpose does it serve–besides making a great target?
-0:32:46 Stark and the Doctor are working in such a way that the camera the Big Bad Terrorist is looking at can’t see them. Except there’s four cameras in this very small room. How are they out of all the shots?
-0:34:19 Doctor looks at the computer screen–the Loading bar is just past halfway. He and Stark have a moment where the Doctor realizes he needs to buy more time, Doc runs out with a machine gun, and Stark looks at the Loading bar. Now it’s just under halfway full. (No wonder this is taking so long!)
-0:38:14 Just because it happens in every movie doesn’t make it un-pickable. Stark is in the middle of a firefight, but he stops for a long moment with the dying Doctor…and nobody fires at them, shouts, sets off an explosion, or does anything whatsoever to interrupt the moment.
-0:39:03 Stark is so confident in his armor that he just stands at the mouth of the cave, letting the bad guys shoot at him for fifteen seconds. There are rockets attached to this suit, hydraulics, gas tanks for the flamethrowers…what possible sense does this make? (Is he institutionalized? Afraid to leave the cave he now loves?)
-0:40:20 Sand or no sand, it’s amazing that Stark survives a two-hundred foot fall, in this very heavy metal suit, without breaking every bone in his body.
-0:49:19 Stark is replacing his cave-made chest reactor with a Tony Stark home special. Why does he need this appliance at all? Is there no hospital in the country, no doctor qualified to remove the shrapnel that’s threatening him? Why walk around the rest of his life with such a disability if he doesn’t have to?
-0:56:37 Hilarity as 10% Thrust Capacity throws Stark into the wall. Was there no computer simulation to try first, make sure this was safe? Run the simulation using a mannequin, maybe? If Stark is hurt doing this, one of the most important men in the world is out of the picture. Can you imagine Steve Jobs running a simulation this way?
Sure lucky Stark doesn’t break all his ribs, the way he hits that stone wall…
-1:02:36 Okay, I’m going to get this off my chest now, as Stark performs his very first true flight test. This didn’t win the Will Award only because I’m not 100% certain of my science. But I’m pretty sure, and I have my friend Steven Rhodes (an actual rocket scientist) backing me up. Flight is possible because of something called the Bernoulli principle. A very quick-and-dirty explanation is that when there are more molecules flowing underneath a wing than there are on top, the pressure of those molecules forces the wing up.
Notice how I use the word wing. Every aircraft from a helicopter to a 747 to one of those human flight suits seen in the second Tomb Raider movie have some sort of winglike control surface. One thing the Iron Man suit does not have in any way, shape or form.
I suppose I can buy that the amazing miniature arc reactor keeping Stark alive also powers the suit, and that said power negates the need for fuel to burn. Which makes me wonder what the flames are coming out his boots, but anyway–what I do not buy for a moment is that without wings it is possible for Stark to have any control over his trajectory. Thank you, and goodnight.
-1:02:48 Stark holds out his arms then folds them to his body–and when he does, his speed increases. Why? Aren’t the boots providing the thrust? Does he have to flap his arms when he wants to go faster? Or did he just know how cool he’d look?
-1:15:58 Iron Man “flies” from California halfway around the world to bring justice to this village in the desert. Can you imagine how long and boring a flight that was? Did the Heads-Up Display come with free in-flight movies? Even if this suit can manage 1,000 miles an hour (and I seriously doubt it can) that’s still a thirteen, fourteen hour flight!!
-1:18:33 After Iron Man saves the villagers he takes off again in search of his errant Jericho missiles. Then a tank round blindsides him. Maybe a little less time spent deciding what color the suit should be and a little more time including some radar would have been a good idea! (I’m just saying–my robotic suit doesn’t look nearly as good, but it totally has radar)
-1:21:40 This suit can “fly” in any direction. Why does Iron Man keep going straight forward as the jets fire missiles and bullets at him? Does the term ‘evasive maneuvers’ mean anything?
-1:36:20 Obadiah sneaks in and uses his ultrasonic device to paralyze Stark. He paralyzes Stark. Obie even describes the device as causing “short-term paralysis.” That’s why it’s very interesting, even amusing, that between the shot wide shot of Tony against the couch and the close-up, his supposedly paralyzed head has moved significantly. Same thing at 1:36:33.
-1:42:08 Both Obie’s big silver suit and Iron Man’s suit continue with the design element of a big, bright light right in the middle of the chestplate. You know, like a convenient target type light. Right where, arguably, the suits are most vulnerable! (Hey, if the miniature power supply goes, these suits are just extremely heavy paperweights)
-1:44:04 Obie in the Big Suit waits for Pepper to turn and look in his direction, then turns the suit’s eyelights on and starts raising to his full height. What a flair for the dramatic this guy has, standing hunched over in the dark like that, just to make a good first impression!
Enough for one movie. Next week we finally get to one of the classics: Star Wars, Return of the Jedi! No pesky midi-chlorians or teenage angst–just space explosions and lightsabers! Hurrah!
Week Four: #48 – Night at the Museum
October 17, 2008 by movienitpickerThe Nitpicker Guide to the Movies
“See the films you love in a whole new way!”
“I’m made of wax. What are you made of?”
After the horror that was Armageddon, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed–maybe this idea, writing an average of 5,000 words a week every week for a year is too much. (This blog only has a fifth of what I write up–more on that later)
Interesting that I got to watch a movie about a man deciding whether or not he’s going to stick to his guns. Night At the Museum is an absolutely fabulous film that I had never seen before last Saturday. I watched it through the first time just for enjoyment–and did the nitpicking Monday/Tuesday. Triumph Over Adversity, Believing in Yourself and a side order of Don’t Give Up. This was a movie worth watching twice in a week. Sure, I found nits–but it was a joy to go looking!
-0:06:48 Amazing disappearing people! At this moment the shot cuts from a wide shot of the lakeside, with people beside and behind our hero, to a closeup–and those people vanish.
-0:09:12 Larry explains to the Unemployment Agency lady how the invention of the Clapper stole some thunder from his invention, the Snapper. This movie takes place in 2006. (I know because Roosevelt says the tablet arrived in ’52, and that the pharaoh has been trying to get out of his case for 54 years.) Larry is thirtysomething, yet the Clapper stole his thunder? The Clapper has been around since, like, the dawn of time.
-0:21:36 Funny visual, but why is the all-bone t-rex getting a drink of water? And where is that water going? He’s certainly not swallowing it–but there isn’t any sound or evidence of a huge puddle on the floor
-0:26:26 Here’s a puzzler: why are Lewis, Clark and Sacajawea the only museum residents encased in glass? The cavemen roam freely, as do the American Indians, Vikings, Huns, animals… Why are Lewis and Clark and Sacky trapped?
-0:26:47 According to Wikipedia, the ultimate source of all wisdom, it’s okay to spell her name Sacajawea, Sacagawea, and even Sakakawea, but not Sakagawea as it is on the museum’s display. (The display also says she was born in 1787, but the actual year of her birth is supposedly unknown.)
-0:29:58 “Double check your belt. The monkey probably stole your keys.” It’s like the former security team knew Larry wouldn’t read the instructions through right away! Otherwise it would read: “Careful going into the African section, Dexter likes stealing things!”
-0:35:25 I don’t care that the Romans are firing miniatures, they’re still flaming arrows. Lucky that Larry doesn’t catch a couple in the eyes! He shrugs off the flaming cannonballs pretty easily, too.
-0:41:24 It’s nice and accommodating of all these wax figures (animals included…heck, animals especially) to get back into position as the sun rises, and not just freeze wherever they happen to be in the museum.
-0:44:02 The museum director, Dr. McPhee, is very particular about his museum. Very particular. So particular that he walks through all four floors checking every exhibit every morning, and therefore discovers one teensy thing wrong with the Old West diorama. It’s not like one of the wax figurines was on the wrong floor!
-0:51:36 Larry gives the cavemen fire? A–he obviously didn’t think much of Roosevelt’s talk of self-sufficiency, and 2–that’s like giving a ten year-old the keys to a sports car. Just cause it’s what they want doesn’t mean they know how to handle it…
-0:56:50 Larry encourages Roosevelt to talk to Sacajawea. He walks away, and in front of the Lewis/Clark diorama are a bench and a bunch of creepy Civil War mannequins. Cut to Roosevelt, all choked up with fear over talking to Sacky, then back to the diorama–gasp! Bench, Civil War guys, cannon, everything’s gone! Then once Roosevelt walks up and we cut to a shot of him from inside the glass, it’s all back again! (Crazy museum magic!)
-1:07:14 Here’s a puzzler: Dr. McPhee is (with due reason) upset about the foam all over the caveman exhibit, but he doesn’t seem to notice that one of the cavemen mannequins is missing. (This is the guy who noticed one teeny detail out of place in the Old West yesterday morning!)
-1:13:46 Larry brings little Nicky to work with him, show him the amazing magic. Isn’t there a chance the kid could be pulled in half by a Hun, or eaten by a lion? Child endangerment!
-1:15:11 Somebody’s stolen the tablet. Something is very wrong at the museum. So Larry walks down to the loading dock where the suspicious activity is taking place, bringing his son with him. Child endangerment!
-1:18:34 It’s time for the Will Award. Larry begs the Roosevelt statue for help, reminding him of the wonderful things Teddy did in his life. Roosevelt: “I never did any of those things. Teddy Roosevelt did. I was made in a mannequin factory in Poughkeepsie.”
All along, this film’s rules have indicated that the magic Egyptian tablet brings everything to life–and these figures become what they represent. That’s why Attila runs around screaming at people, Lewis and Clark argue over their map, and Teddy rides around saying “Bully!” Now Roosevelt spills the beans–he knows he’s a mannequin.
This raises a number of questions. Why does Copper Columbus know Italian? Was he made in Italy? Why does Teddy say “Bully”? Yes, the actual Roosevelt was known for saying so, but who told the mannequin? Who told Attila that the original Hun liked sorcery? Who told the cavemen to go crazy over fire, and “ook, ook” all night long?
-1:25:48 “Jed and Octavius. Their van’s parked out back. Go take care of it.” Because it makes any sense to send these teeny guys–even if all their teeny buddies come along–to disable a full size automobile.
-1:30:46 Roosevelt gets cut in half saving Sacajawea from the runaway stagecoach. (There’s a sentence I never thought I’d write.) He looks down at himself–and somehow his top half is facing up, while his bottom half is facing down.
-1:31:00 Larry’s RC truck is a truly amazing toy. You can also control it from inside! You know, in case you happen to be three inches tall! The steering wheel and pedals work and everything!
-1:36:52 Larry introduces Rebecca to Sacajawea, telling Sacky, “I think she has a few questions for you.” Rebecca was going to give up on her dissertation because she couldn’t learn anything more about Sacajawea. What’s she going to learn now? A lot about being a wax figure from Poughkeepsie?
Come back next week, for our first superhero movie! Strap on your repulsors and throw some fire-engine red in the mix–but watch that Bernoulli principle!
See you in seven…
Week Three: #49 – Armageddon
October 10, 2008 by movienitpickerThe Nitpicker Guide to the Movies
“See the films you love in a whole new way!”
So I hadn’t seen this movie since 1998, when I saw it in the theater. Which surprised me, when I thought about it. Deep Impact, the other asteroid-destroying-the-Earth movie that came out that year, has long been in my collection. I like action movies–why had I skipped owning Armageddon?
Now I remember–because this movie is so stupid we need a word that goes beyond ridiculous! I’m not just talking about the horribly broken science-geek stuff like shuttles turning in space. How about the fully-functional machine gun mounted on the lunar roving Armadillos? The Dukes of Hazzard style jump over the asteroid canyon? The fact that somehow this roughneck drilling crew can handle themselves in the most adverse, dangerous space conditions after two weeks of training? (Did I mention the fershlugginer machine guns??)
Strap in if you dare. It’s a dangerously stupefying journey we’re on…
-0:02:43 This is one of those nits that crosses a wide range of movies. The only film I can think of that has space elements and doesn’t screw this up is Serenity. The meteorites that destroy the shuttle make a lot of noise. Space is a vacuum. Sound cannot travel in a vacuum!!!
-0:06:37 Okay, you’ve gotta put in your DVD and check this one out–it made me laugh out loud. Eddie Griffin’s dog attacks an eight-inch Godzilla toy. The shot cuts to a closeup of the seller for a second, then back to the fight–and in that split second the eight-inch toy has mutated into a six-foot inflatable Godzilla! Enormous continuity error!!
-0:11:53 Wormy science guy runs down the hall, panting, breaks into the conference room and exclaims, “We have eighteen days before it hits earth!” Wouldn’t a telephone have been faster than the sprint down the hall? (Not that he doesn’t need the exercise…)
-0:24:56 So the very hour the comet was discovered, they say we have eighteen days to brace ourselves or figure out a way to save Earth. Cut to the oil rig, and the government asking Harry Stamper to save the day. Let’s say it took six whole hours to remember this man and get to him. When Harry reaches NASA, he refers to eighteen hours of travel time. So we’ve lost one day. But as Harry learns of the problem and looks at the countdown clock, it’s at 15 days 3 hours. What has been going on for the past two days???
-0:27:16 “I’m only the best because I work with the best.” This scene, where Stamper rejects the astronaut team and demands his own guys go into space, is inserted to establish why it makes sense to take the two weeks we have left to save the Earth and prep a bunch of oil drillers to go into space. I’m not buying. In fact…this premise wins the coveted Will Award for outstanding ridiculousness!
-1:02:50 The heroic walk to the shuttles. The driller “astronauts” are in their orange suits. All the NASA techs have clean-room type plasticwear on. Why is Gracie standing there in a dress and heels? (I’m not saying I want her to be in a clean-room type suit, mind you…)
-1:07:55 Interior shuts of the shuttles show this incredibly bright light glaring into the cockpit through the front windscreen. What is the purpose of this light? I’m not saying it isn’t dramatic, but I am saying it’s useless and ridiculous–and it continues throughout the movie.
-1:11:04 I can’t believe I’m watching this. Both shuttles turn in space, lining up their approach to the space station. You can’t turn in a vacuum, there’s no air pressure to turn against. (Am I getting too technical here?)
-1:27:30 The Freedom landing and the Independence crash are awfully loud, considering there is no atmosphere for sound to travel through.
-1:36:05 I had completely forgotten about the moment when A.J. decides to get the Armadillo out of the crashed shuttle bay by firing the forward mounted machine gun. The forward. Mounted. Machine gun. (Which they brought along in case of…um…velociraptors)
-1:42:30 I guess if it makes sense that the Armadillo has an enormous machine gun, it also makes sense that there is a handgun on-board the NASA space shuttle Freedom. There’s probably a lot of mutiny in space. It just doesn’t make the papers.
-1:46:28 Misspellings always make me happy. On the official government nuclear briefcase screen, the word override appears as overrride. With three Rs. Yay!
-1:47:53 At 1:47:23 the bomb countdown read 1:11. Chick hasn’t struck me as the smartest guy in the world, but I think he can still read a clock. He’s looking at the bomb and says “one minute” right here, although if the clock has been counting properly, they’ve only got thirty seconds left.
-1:48:00 “I’ve been drilling holes for thirty years and I have never missed a depth that I have aimed for!” And a lot of those holes were in deep-space asteroids with only an hour or so to go six hundred feet before the entire Earth is destroyed!
-1:49:16 The blue wire is cut, and the bomb stops at 2 seconds. That clock took one minute and fifty-five seconds to count off 1:11!
-1:52:58 Question: which is stupider, the bus jump in Speed or the Armadillo jumping the ravine? (Answer: well, they both have problems, but with Speed, I at least cared whether or not they landed successfully)
-2:16:35 The Armadillo has a machine gun. Of course the Crazy Cosmonaut fixes the shuttle’s thruster problem by bashing a wrench against the panel.
-2:16:59 Oh good, they have that unexplained light shining through the shuttle windscreen again. Plus the takeoff is loud (sound in space) and the shuttle turns as it leaves the asteroid. (“Screw the laws of physics! Just get us out of here!”)
-2:19:19 Shots from around the world make it look like the asteroid’s detonation is visible everywhere. That’s not possible. (Line of sight, baby)
-2:20:30 More round-the-world shots…it appears to be 3 p.m. everywhere!
-2:21:13 Those whiz-bang shuttle designers! When the shuttle landed on the asteroid, we clearly saw skids coming out to land on. Now the shuttle is coming down at Kennedy Space Center, and there’s wheels down there! Whaddya know!
Thank the good Lord–the credits. I could probably find something to nitpick in the A.J./Gracie wedding, but I just don’t care anymore.
So very tired.
I’m going to try and recuperate over the weekend, as we move from Ben Affleck to Ben Stiller for #48, Night at the Museum. See you in seven…
Week Two: #50 – King Kong
October 3, 2008 by movienitpickerThe Nitpicker Guide to the Movies
“See the films you love in a whole new way!”
After the phenomenal and well-deserved success of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Peter Jackson could pretty much do whatever he wanted. My theory is that nobody wanted to tell him that King Kong, his pet project, was running a little long.
From the unnecessary Jimmy-is-a-bad-boy subplot (that never goes anywhere) to the flat-out stupefying ice-skating scene (what else would you call it? Ann and King Kong slide around on a pond for three minutes!) this movie is way too long. As I reviewed the film I kept track of all the times where we sat through scenes that were cool and special-effecty yet did nothing to advance the plot. You could cut out forty-five minutes of this film and not lose anything. That’s one-quarter of the film that could be done without. Shame on you, Pete!
-0:28:30 An official nit to warm us up: the radio operator’s left hand is on the earphones–shot changes–and his hand is off-screen. Then it’s back again next shot!
-0:45:40 We’ve watched the compass go screwy. The first mate has reported no stars to check location. Now the Venture ventures into a fogbank so thick you can’t see five yards in front of the ship. Yet it takes more than a minute for the captain to reduce speed. Full Stop, for the love of all that’s holy!!
-0:48:06 Jimmy the Lookout stares at the oncoming wall for a good five seconds before he starts shouting about it. Maybe they should have posted a better lookout!
-0:48:25 Then again, the Captain stares dumbfounded at the wall for twenty seconds before he does anything. This wall must be really mesmerizing! (Or this crew sucks!)
-1:20:21 “Welcome…to Mesozoic Park.” It is never even remotely explained why this island has giant gorillas. And dinosaurs. And bugs. And vampire bats. And spiders. Honestly–everything on this godforsaken island is huge, except the local human natives! What gives?
-1:45:20 A full-fledged battle royale between King Kong and three (count ‘em) Tyrannosaurus Rexes. It is truly amazing that in all the brouhaha, Ann doesn’t get even a little broken, much less seriously so. (I know someone who broke a toe on a plastic laundry basket!) ((I want to give this the Will Award, but there’s something even worse. Stay tuned.))
-1:48:04 As Ann swings around between two dinosaurs and a raging giant gorilla, I can’t help but wonder at the strength of the flimsy underthings that she has been wearing all day. Not a rip, not a popped seam–1930s silk had some chutzpah!
-2:11:51 Angry giant Kong breaks through the massive gate, and the men who want to capture him are kind enough to give him a moment to compose himself. Guys, we’re trying to capture a giant gorilla. Why are we sitting around for nine whole seconds???
-2:13:20 Ann has been running through the jungle, across a splintery bridge, down some stone rock steps and now through a cave. She’s barefoot. Owie owie owie!
-2:14:48 When the Captain fires the harpoon, there’s a rope is connected to it, but once fired, the rope disappears. (From the harpoon and from the harpoon gun! Magic rope!)
-2:15:54 Ann watches the beast go down, looking like her world is coming to an end. If it was one of the T-Rexes coming after them, would she be upset? Of course not. She would volunteer to fire the harpoon. So what’s different? She’s discovered the giant gorilla has a soul? Kong ran off with her into the forest to make her his MySize Barbie plaything. What is her deal?
-2:17:55 “His name will be up in lights on Broadway! Kong–the eighth wonder of the world!” Fade to black. Wait. Even with a hundred guys and a dozen boats, which they don’t have, how in the name of all that is holy do they get the 8000 pound gorilla back to the ship?
-2:18:05 Or from the ship into the city? Into the theater?
-2:25:45 The ridiculous stage show goes on and Kong hunches in the background, oblivious to the world. He drowns in his sorrow. Wait, what? The lights, the noise, the chains don’t matter because he’s lost his 5’5” Mattel toy? Come on!
-2:35:12 King Kong flips the 1930s cab Jack is driving, the cab which has no safety devices to speak of. Jack is knocked unconscious but in no other way injured. They sure made guys tougher back then!
-2:35:34 Kong rages through the city, finally catches Jack, turns and Ann is standing right there? “Out of all the streets in New York, you had to drag your knuckles into mine…”
-2:36:38 The Will Award! I can’t stand it any longer! The rampaging giant gorilla stops everything to stare in wonder at Ann Darrow. This is a wild animal, in a completely unfamiliar environment, who has just pulled free from huge chains to escape his captors…but all he wants is to find her. The Will Award goes to: the premise, the concept, the entire idea that this 8000 pound gorilla has fallen in love with a hundred-or-so pound female no larger than one of the bamboo shoots he eats for lunch.
-2:44:33 Up the Empire State Building we go. Ann is wearing a flimsy dress. No coat, no gloves, no scarf, it’s winter in New York and she is out in the open air, over a thousand feet up. You would think she’d be shivering just a wee bit…
-2:53:10 I don’t know about today, but in the 30s, the Empire State Building cleaning crew really knew their stuff! Kong drops Ann onto the top of the tower. The top of a skyscraper, and she’s wearing a pure white dress. She gets onto her knees, chases Kong around, and the dress remains spotless.
-2:57:04 “It wasn’t airplanes. It was beauty killed the beast.” Well, the 1,200 foot fall might have had something to do with it…
There was a lot more to be found in King Kong, but we’re out of time. Try www.slipups.com if you can’t stand the wait, or just come back here next Friday for…Armageddon! (They put Ben Affleck into space–why didn’t they keep him there?)
Week One: Why Am I Reading This, Again?
September 30, 2008 by movienitpicker
The Nitpicker Guide to the Movies
“See the films you love in a whole new way!”
Week One: Why Am I Reading This, Again?
I can still remember the very first movie I ever saw in a theater. It was one of the Benji films (Benji Does Backflips, I think) and I was three or four years old. I distinctly remember having to fold the seat up and sit on the raised edge just to see the screen. I also remember being absolutely enthralled. Twenty-something years later, I’m still enthralled, even though I can now sit like a normal person.
I’m telling you this because in a second, you’re going to question whether or not I like movies at all. Because I have a confession. My name is Will, and I’m a nitpicker.
I know, I know. After having a lot of popcorn thrown at me, I keep it to myself while at the theater–but I can’t help it! It’s fun to find things wrong. I blame my dad, who to this day rewinds VHS movies. “The car’s headlight was broken a moment ago, but now it’s magically fixed! Didja see that?”
If you’re still reading, either you’re a member of my family (hi, Ma!) or you are, like me, an unashamed Nitpicker. And you know how finding those little things in your favorite movies doesn’t take away from their wonderfulness. You also know how putting on your nitpicking hat can make even the worst movie…well, not as bad. (Did anybody else see Ghost Rider? Being a nitpicker saved my life that day…)
Some movie nits are so famous most people have heard about them, even seen them firsthand. And a number of books on the subject of nitpicking already exist. So why bother with a weekly blog? Two reasons. One, the books out there list every nit the authors could find, and seeing the microphone blooper in the first thirty seconds of Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy would require watching the first thirty seconds of Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy. I doubt Bud Abbott and Lou Costello’s direct descendants even want to do that. So this particular weekly blog will focus on the best nits to be found in (cue stentorian announcer’s voice): “The Top 50 Grossing Movies of All Time!!” Movies like Spider-Man, The Lord of the Rings, and The Dark Knight. In case it matters, I’m taking that list from IMDB’s world-wide box-office gross. (Because let’s face it, France matters too.)
Reason the second: currently existing nitpicky reference books are as dry as unbuttered whole wheat toast. If you really want to know how many continuity errors there are in Star Wars (answer: a whole bunch), there is a book by T.A. Chafin and Polly Luttrull that thoroughly, I mean somebody-needs-to-send-these-two-outside-to-play exhaustively lists every last one, complete with timecode for the original VHS, Special Edition VHS and Special Edition DVD versions. Which is well and good if you’re that much of a ner–um, fan. But how much fun are reference books, really? When I get around to nitpicking Star Wars, I’m going to bring up things those two never thought of.
Did I hear a request for an example? Sure! Remember the scene where Obi-Wan gives Luke his father’s lightsaber? Forget about the disappearing, reappearing shawl in the background, or the items on the coffeetable switching around. Wise, knowing Jedi Master Kenobi casually hands over an extremely dangerous weapon, an energy sword that can slice through anything, to a hot-headed, easily excitable teenager who’s probably never even seen one of these things before. Does that make any sense? (“Careful with that, Luke, I should have mentioned it can cut through–AAAACKK!!”)
We’ll cover some fun regular nits, too. In Spider-Man, Mary Jane falls off a balcony and it takes her eight seconds to almost hit the ground. How high up does that make the balcony? (Tune in and find out…) Too boring? Think about this, then. For whatever silly reason (don’t get me started) the Spider-Man creators decided that Peter turns so spider-like, webs actually come out of his wrists. Setting aside what a travesty it is not to have Peter create his own web-shooters, why does the webbing come out of his wrists? Shouldn’t it come out where it does on an actual spider? (That would make for some interesting shots!)
More? All right, one more. In Finding Nemo, Marlin says to his son, “Forget to brush?” Nemo darts away and we hear brushing sounds. What, exactly, do fish have to brush? (And how do they brush it?)
I will see you back here next week. What? A whole week of waiting? Yeah, we’ll do a new movie every Friday, just like they do at the theaters. If you can’t handle going that long without finding some of your favorite movie goofs, surf on over to www.slipups.com for a nit fix.
Join me on the journey of movie rediscovery. Please silence your cell phones, deposit all trash in the appropriate receptacles, and refrain from talking during the blog.
Coming Next Friday: uh…aw man, do I have to watch this again? Okay, fine, #50, King Kong. Don’t think I won’t have comments about the ridiculous thirty-seven minute long bug-killing scene!
